Long Gone (My Story For Women)

In recognition and support of International Women’s Day, I’m going to dig a little deeper for all those women who have been abused in some form or another by the Men/Women who are supposed to love them. I have spent a lot of years of my life being put in a position where nothing I could ever do was good enough. I have endured some intense mental torment in some of my relationships. A lot of women go through much like I have and it becomes a normal part of life, but I’m telling you, it isn’t and should not be what is normal. I have stood by my person at their worst, at their best and I’ve taken the emotional beatdown like a mental punching bag for them because I loved them and they truly meant something to me and after some time, I truly believed that this was all I deserved and I spent years trying to teach myself to be small while I let them destroy every ounce of what made me who I was, the things I was proud of about myself because they couldn’t “handle” me that way. Speaking your mind will get you yelled at, and having an off day or expressing hurt or your feelings will get you accused of picking fights and being unbearable. You’re expected to chase them, to fit inside their perfect box of expectations. You’re blamed for their shortcomings and poor decisions because of something you “did” You are treated so badly with verbal and mental abuse that you truly start to believe that you are worthless and not good enough, that you are a bad person and you deserve it. You start apologizing for their bad behavior when they should be apologizing for treating you like garbage. Having to sit alone and “wait” for them to decide that you are now worth their time (this is not love, nor is this how anyone should be treated), you should never have to beg for attention, you should never have to sit and wait to be noticed, you should not ever have to tell the person who’s supposed to love you that you feel alone (but wait, that just might be your fault too), you should never be their “I’m bored so now you’re worth it” option. They will twist and turn your mistakes into mountains to amplify the severity of the situation so that they can be a bigger victim, they omit their own mistakes and shortcomings or lessen the severity so that you become the bad guy and villain in their story. Not being perfect is unacceptable to them. If you misstep or don’t express yourself exactly how they deem a person should, you better be prepared to be called out for it all and then make sure that apology is again handy, you’re gonna need it. They cheat, they lie, and they manipulate you with their own delusional idealisms of what they think has happened and again, it becomes your fault. When your life is inconvenient for them you change it but it’s still not good enough. When you both work but only your job is an inconvenience to them so they use it as a weapon to be a victim and put you down a little more. So, you give up your hobbies, your job, everything you enjoy to make them happy, you’re lucky if they even notice and then sound shocked when you bring it up so now they have to find something else about you to belittle or take away while you’re left with nothing and nobody but them. They make no effort to be there for you in your time of need but you better come running when they need you for something. They give you the silent treatment for days because you’ve displeased them or whatever other reason they have in their mind but they find a way to give you just enough to keep you at bay so you remain “with” them in case you’re needed later, but you’ve been so manipulated you keep trying to fix something that really stopped becoming your problem the moment they disappeared (easier said than done to know that, I know), and of course, it’s your fault for that as well. When you stand up for yourself, you’ll get a harder mental beatdown because how dare you be such a horrible and opinionated person and again, you are now apologizing for it. Are we all perfect? no, not by any means, but that is okay. What isn’t okay is to spend your time being reminded of every fault you have while they try to make themselves feel bigger and superior to you. All of these things are not love, a person who truly loves you doesn’t act this way. They like the attention of complaining to others how you are crazy, unstable, or whatever other trait they can possibly throw out there to play the victim. The whole cycle plays around in a circle. They may apologize, they may “feel” super sympathetic about how they may have “hurt” you, they make promises, and all of a sudden they’re there for you, they seem to have changed, unfortunately, it may last a day, a week, or maybe a month, but then the whole vicious circle starts all over again. They won’t let you have that “good” feeling for long because the only person who is allowed happiness in this type of relationship is them. They don’t remember all the times you stood by them and held them up when they were down, how even through all the shit they put you through, you’re still standing. They don’t care about the mental breakdowns they caused, the tears they made you cry (which they yell at you for because how dare you cry) and to watch them treat everyone else with such respect and turn around and beat you down a little more to make up for it. You deserve BETTER. This is what it’s like to be with a narcissistic manipulator and gaslighter. Everything is everyone else’s fault and they have zero accountability for their actions. When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will seem unfair (they seem to miraculously and conveniently forget about all the times you pleaded for it to stop and all the things you said were hurting you), but rise above it, trusting that others will eventually see the truth, just as you did. know you’re worth it and know that it’s okay to walk away. Find your support system in friends, family, and support groups if you need it. Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls your life. It takes time to repair your feeling of self-worth after it’s been ripped out of you, but you can do it. You are strong, beautiful, you are amazing and with the right person, you’ll feel that again. Learn to be you again, learn to be the best version of yourself, not what they tell you that you are. Love is nothing without action. Trust is nothing without proof. And sorry is nothing without change.

You got this ladies!

For the Men/Women offended by this post or taking it personally – If the shoe fits, wear it Cinderella 🙂